Never Could Compete
by albert-twist
Summary: 10 years after the war Hermione is stuck in a rut. "I just don't know what happened, or how I really lost myself. Nor do I know how it's just now that I'm finally waking up." "Hermione I think you were just focused on what you should be doing, not what you really wanted to be doing."


**Disclaimer: I own...nothing related to this story**

She was exhausted. Physically and mentally. It seemed to her that she had been doing the same routine for years. As she sank down onto her worn couch she realized that she had been in a rut for a year at least. Every day she woke up at 6 and had a cup of tea and a bowl of oatmeal. She would put on a button up shirt, slacks, and sensible flats. She would then shrug on a set of work robes. She would do her work, and at noon she would eat a sandwich, always ham and cheese. Then she would finish up her paperwork for the day. The highlight of her day was her walk home. Something about the night called to her, and everyone around her seemed to come alive then. It was during that time that she could pretend she wasn't alone. For a few hours she could pretend that she did belong. She would delay going home as long as she could. Once there she would heat up a frozen dinner. She would read the nightly paper and then around 9 she would call it a night. She was quite successful at her job, but it never felt like enough.

The change in her routine was subtle at first. It started with a morning run. She had been on a case and the perp had gotten away because she was out of shape. She had just stopped caring after a while and had lost all of her physical activities. Her morning run had energized her and had started her on track to being healthier. She had also started going to the gym to tone up more. Her partner had been the first to comment on the change.

"Granger, you trying to impress someone?" Her partner asked as he walked into the office about two months since the change in her morning routine.

"Not particularly Flint." See said as she sat down. She then pulled out a bottle from his desk and added water and powder to it.

"Wait, since when do you not have a morning cup of tea with an ungodly amount of sugar?" Marcus Flint never showed much emotion but he was looking at Hermione like she had grown an extra head.

"Um, I dunno. I just drink protein now that I go to the gym. One of the guys there recommended it. And I like it." She said taking a gulp of it. She didn't think it was weird, especially to his partner, who was a health nut. He had been nagging Hermione about her morning tea habit for as long as they had been partners.

"Well, that's great then. This doesn't have anything to do with your ex would it?"  
"No, I'm happy that Ron's together with Pansy. This is about when I couldn't catch McLaggen. I realized that I was failing as your partner if I couldn't do something that simple, and decided that I needed to make a change." Flint just clapped her on the shoulder at that.

"It wasn't your fault Granger, but I'm glad that you're happier now."

From there it seemed that Hermione's whole life spiraled and did a one-eighty. She no longer was content with what her life had been. And she decided that while she wasn't ready for everything to change at once, she could make one change at a time. She decided that first she would stop living like a hermit, she had friends, she just never made an effort with them. So she reconnected with them and started having drinks with them, and left her apartment more often.

She knocked on the door, and then wiped her damp hands on her pants. The last person he had to reconnect with was Ron. When he finally opened the door, she was relieved. She had wanted to talk, and Pansy had been the one to suggest that they go somewhere alone. So now they were sitting on a park bench, with hot drinks in their hands.

"I'm sorry Ron." She said quietly.

"I understand Hermione. You haven't been yourself for a while, and I knew the end was coming. If we're going to place blame, I'm to blame then too. I started staying away more and more. I should have been home."

"No, I wouldn't have noticed anyway Ron. I just don't know what happened, or how I really lost myself. Nor do I know how it's just now that I'm finally waking up."  
"Hermione I think you were just focused on what you should be doing, not what you really wanted to be doing."

"Yeah I guess I've started to do things just for me, ya know. And I'm happier now I suppose."

"That's all I want. Pansy too. You helped out a lot of slytherins after the war." He said softly.

That was true. She had appealed on behalf of all of her classmates after the war. Harry had helped her. Most hadn't really contributed to the war, but the Wizengamot had wanted to prosecute them as if they had. It had been a lot of work, but she had finally won. They all had to complete another year at Hogwarts, and do community service the following year. Now most were model citizens that contributed greatly to society. When she had been asked about why she had done it she had only said that it was the right thing to do.

"But that's been the only thing that you fought for, and its been 10 years. Why did you do it? And what happened after that."

"It was the right thing," She started to say.

"That's what you told the reporters, but I'm asking as your friend. Harry doesn't even know, and he fought as hard as you did. Or if he does, he's never mentioned it."

"I never told him, and if he knew he's never told you because it wasn't his place. Um it was the right thing to do, but you're right that's not why I did it. There was someone I had to protect, and so I did it. And afterwards they approached me and told me that I was pathetic. They said that none of the Slytherin's were going to worship me just because I had them freed from Azkaban. I told them that I hadn't done it because of that, I did it for them, because I cared about that person and that I didn't expect anything in return from anyone." Hermione paused for a long moment, and Ron sat there in silence just waiting for her to be ready to continue. "They called me a slew of names, I forget what exactly." _Lie, she remembered every word, but she couldn't bring herself to say it outloud._ "And basically laughed at my face and walked away. I haven't seen them since. A while after that you and I got together, and that's the end of that." Ron sat there stunned, he had suspected there had been an underlying reason to her change in demeanor, but he wasn't prepared for that answer. He knew that Hermione had loved him, and that she still did in her own way. But this answered so many of his questions.

"Hermione, have you tried talking to this person at all since?" She just shook her head.

"Why would I? They made their opinion of me very clear. They thought that I did all of that just to buy their affection." Ron's heart broke with his last words. Anyone who knew Hermione knew that she would never do that, it wasn't in her nature. "I think we should head back now. Wouldn't want Pansy to worry."

He nodded and once he was home he turned to his wife. he told her what Hermione told him. "I've been wracking my brain Pans, which of the Slytherins would reject her like that?" Pansy just chuckled. "This is serious. I've always worried about Hermione. She's doing better than I've ever seen her, but she still has shadows in her eyes."  
"Breathe, Ron. I'm not laughing at Granger I'm laughing at you. When did you start understanding girls?" Ron's eyes widened comically.

"I blame you. And you've got that look in your eye. Tell me what you're thinking."

"I'm not saying anything, I can ask around, but I have a hunch."

"How do you have a hunch, while I'm clueless?" He asked angrily.

"Slytherin dear, I pay more attention than you do. It's in my nature."

"Ugh so while you do sleuthing, how do I help Hermione?"

"Just sit tight for right now. Daphne and I will take her to Rodolfo's"

"How will a makeover help?"

"Just trust me on this."

A week after her talk with Ron he had invited her to go out with Pansy and Daphne. When she had asked about her plans she had been vague. Now she was with them and she still wasn't sure what was going on. They led her to a place, Rodolfo's. It was a beauty shop.  
"Why are we here?"

"We're here for you." Pansy stated. An older man walked out then and greeted Pansy and Daphne kisses on their cheeks.

"A pleasure to meet you at last Ms. Granger." He said before giving her a kiss as well. "As I understand you are here for a change."

"Um, I was just dragged here sir." At that Rodolfo just laughed.

"Oh dear mon ami. Well Pansy what did you have in mind?"

"She needs a full makeover obviously.I say give her a Brazilian blowout and cut it choppy and shoulder length."

"Of course. What else would you like?"  
"As it's Granger we can't go to over the top, so show her how to use eyeliner, not a lot just a bit I well as mascara and lipstick. I'm going to go through your boutique and find her some new clothes while we're at it. I don't think she's changed her wardrobe since she left Hogwarts. Can you measure her now?" Rodolfo just nodded.

"Hermione if you would just stick out your arms, so I can use a spell of mine to measure you?" Hermione did as instructed and Rodolfo then handed Pansy a piece of paper. "There you go my dear." Hermione was then led to the back. "So Ms. Granger, when was the last time you had your hair done professionally?"

"Well never really. I've mostly used spells."  
"Well then its an honor to be the first professional to cut your hair. And what iconic hair it is. It's almost a shame Pansy would like it changed. Are you okay with her decision?"

"Yeah it should be fine. I wouldn't know how to change it anyways. I just pull it back most of the time anyways."

"Well I will change it, and then I'll show you a few easy foolproof tricks." Rodolfo said with a smile.

"Thanks." She replied. He was quiet for several minutes before he spoke again.

"I'd like to thank you for what you did for Pansy and her fellow housemates after the war. The media underplayed that I think."

"It was never about what the media was going to say."

"Yes, you did it because it was right, I think I remember reading that somewhere."

"Yeah. That's it." Her voice was barely above a whisper.

"I must say though, I was at all of those hearings. You were quite impassioned. A woman on a mission. I'd be willing to bet there was another reason. Love is what I would bet."

"You'd be the only one willing to bet on that. I'm just boring, reliable Hermione. Always trying to help the kicked puppy so people will notice me." Tears were leaking from her eyes now. Those had been some words that still haunted her ten years later. Rodolfo was quiet behind her. She then felt him grab her hands and looked to see him crouched down in front of her.

"I don't believe that and I don't think you do either. And if that person told you that they're not worth your time." At that more tears spilled down her cheeks. "Do you still feel the same?" He asked incredulously.

"I've tried." She said sniffing. "What kind of person can't move on after 10 years? Me I suppose."

"Have you tried at all?"

"I've been in so many failed relationships. I finally stopped trying."

"And you never tried again with them?" He asked, wiping the tears from her cheeks. She just shook her head.

"I couldn't. They made their feelings quite clear to me and then they disappeared. I've finally convinced myself that I can still be happy and stop simply existing. I've started doing things just for me. And I've started applying myself more at being successful in my job."

"Ms. Granger, I read the paper every day. You and Flint are in there quite frequently. You've had many laws amended and have taken down many levels of organized crime. What more do you want to do?"

"Well Flint and I are working on programs for rehabilitation as well as more resources for muggleborns. But we also aren't finished with organized crime. There are still pockets of it, and we want them gone."

"That's quite admirable. That's also revolutionary for the Auror department."

"I know, I changed that too."  
"See, you have been quite successful in that aspect of your life."

"At some level I understand that. I just want someone to share my life with, and I can't control that I've realised. I have answers for everything but that." Rodolfo was quiet for a while.

"I don't think you should give up on that just yet. Maybe we can get him to give you a second glance after I'm done with you my dear." Hermione nodded to comfort him even though she was certain it wouldn't change anything.

As promised he did show her several simple tricks for managing her new hair. He then showed her how to apply the makeup that Pansy had wanted.

"Wow Granger, you clean up real well." Pansy said.

"What Pansy was trying to say is you look really gorgeous with the new hair Hermione." Daphne replied.

"Yeah what she said. Now we found you some new clothes for every occasion. So I'd just throw out your old duds. Thank you Rodolfo."

"It was a pleasure. And Ms. Granger don't be a stranger. I'll be here to talk if you'd like." She gave him a big hug before she left.

"Thank you for listening Rodolfo." She said before she left.

"Alright Granger, now we're going out this weekend. I need you to prove to Ron that you're not some sort of kicked puppy. I swear he talks my ears off about you recently. And not that I'm jealous, but I would like my husband back.'' Pansy said. To Hermione that was as caring as she'd ever been. "I'll owl you the details for this weekend."

"Fine. Thanks Pansy, tell Ron I'm fine. And Daphne tell Flint that I'm sorry I monopolized your time tonight."

"Anytime." Daphne said with a smile. Hermione apparated away after that.

"Girls!" Rodolfo cried out from behind them. "We need to talk."

"I imagine we do." Pansy said, her lips pressed together tightly. They went back into the shop and sat down together.

"It's as you said Pans, she is still besotted with him, unfortunately." Rodolfo said.

"Bollocks, I can't believe she's held on. He's my friend, but he's done nothing to earn that kind of devotion. Especially after what he said to her." Pansy said.

"After talking with her I'd say that he's in a similar state. He has himself stuck in a rut as well, she's just been the one to drag herself out." Rodolfo stated.

"Pans I don't know him as well as you, but didn't he harbor feelings for her as well during that time?" Daphne asked.

"He did, and it's complicated. What I can't believe is how I never realized that they were both miserable for the same reason. You would think that I would have put it together by now." Pansy said clearly irritated.

"Don't beat yourself. You and Ron have only been together recently. And Hermione has only become less of a hermit in these past few months. Question is are we going to go through with this plan?" Daphne asked.

"It's only going to go one of two ways. It will either help them get resolution from what could have been or it will push them together." Rodolfo said matter of factly.

"Alright then." Pansy said.

The clothes weren't anything that Hermione would have picked out for herself but she was pleased to see that most of them were things that were still practical but stylish. She still wore slacks to work, but now they were fitted and with silk button up blouses. She also wore boots now. Most wouldn't realize a difference she thought, as her work robes still went over top it, but she was surprised at the amount of comments that she received.

"Granger?" Flint asked as he walked in the room.

"Yes?" She asked in confusion. She was then hauled out of her chair and into an exuberant hug. "Marcus put me down you oaf."

"I'm sorry Mya."

"And don't call me Mya. It reminds me of when we used to date. And that was trainwreck." She said.

"Sorry, it slipped out. Daph told me that she and Pansy took you out last night, but wow you are a new woman now."

"Thanks for that." She said in a degrading tone.

"I mean it you're glowing a bit more, like Mya used to. That's why I called you that. Every once and awhile it happens, you glow. But it always fades away. That's when I knew we couldn't ever work out like that. You need someone who makes you glow all the time."

"Marcus, when did you get so eloquent?"

"I'd say that having you as my partner has rubbed off on me a bit. So Daph said you guys now have plans for the next few weekends."  
"Yeah I guess. I dunno what we're doing though."

"Just remember that my birthday is in a month and you aren't skipping out on it like you have most years."

"Did you not like my presents?"  
"I would rather your presence."

"Alright. Now can we move on with our day?"

"Yes ma'am" He said with a cheeky smile.

The next weeks were a blur for her. She was working harder than ever, she had weekend plans, and she was getting the best sleep she had had in years. Every weekend consisted of dancing. For some reason Pansy and Daphne were fixated on teaching her how to dance. It wasn't something she had really done before but she liked it. It gave her a newfound level of confidence. That's probably why they had done it.

On the night of Marcus's birthday they were meeting at club. She was going to meet with Pansy before so they could get in some dancing and then they were going to meet up with their friends in one of the private rooms afterwards. She had picked out a new outfit for the occasion. It was a leather dress with a round neck and thick shoulder straps. It was short and the hem was asymmetrical in design. She did her hair and makeup the way Rodolfo had showed her. Her trench coat and booties finished off the outfit. It was definitely bold, but she liked it and it made her feel sexy. Something she hadn't felt in a long time.

She met Pansy at the door and they danced for a little more than an hour before they had to go up to meet the rest of their friends.

"I wanna go freshen up first Granger. I'll meet you up there." Hermione just nodded at that. She found the room and entered it. It was quiet and at first glance there was no one inside. So she walked in and found that there was someone out on the balcony. Her heart stopped when she saw the familiar white blond hair. She quickly turned around to exit the room, but found the door to be locked.

"Trying to escape Granger?" She heard him say.

"As luck would have it the door is locked." She said as calmly as she could.

"Step aside, nothing is ever truly locked." She quickly sidestepped, and he focused on the door. "Well that's funny." He said before stepping away. She braved a look at him and saw puzzlement in his eyes. "What could they have used?"

"Who?"

"Our friends. For Merlin knows why they have us locked in here, with some clever spell that I don't recognize. Now who would know how to outspell me." He said the last part to himself. "Any thoughts Granger." She shook her head and then found her voice.

"I have no idea."

"Did it pain you to admit that?" He asked her.

"Leave me alone." She said softly.

"I'm just saying that a know-it-all like you," She cut him off before he could continue.

"You don't know me Malfoy. So be quiet. Leave me alone!" Her voice grew louder with each word. She then walked to the other side of the room and sat against the wall. She pulled her legs against her and tried to burrow into her coat.

"I seem to have struck a nerve. You're not acting like yourself, and I'd apologize but then I'd not be acting like myself." She bit her tongue so that she wouldn't say something that she'd later regret. She could only hope that this was a nightmare and that she'd be rescued soon. "Cat got your tongue?"

"If you don't leave me alone I will gladly revisit the events that happened in third year." He laughed at that.

"I seem to have upset you." She just looked at him incredulously.

"We haven't spoken in 10 years, I don't see any reason to start now."

"I became a cursebreaker."

"Malfoy." She started to say.

"Shhh. I have a story I'd like to tell you. That's not what I wanted to do with my life, I wanted to be a healer, but it was something I had to do. Personal reasons mind you. But along the way I lost my motivation and just got stuck in the humdrum of it. I traveled all over the world, searching for the cures to different curses. But never the right ones if you know what I mean. See I had a curse put upon me, but no one would help me so I had to help myself. And it took me some time but I found the cure. But when I came back home to celebrate nothing was the same, so I left again. And like I said, after that I focused on everything but what really mattered to me. Tell me you understand." His eyes pierced into hers.

"You're speaking in riddles." She said breaking his gaze.

"Damn it Hermione, we were good together during the war, weren't we?" He asked referring to their time as partners. He was a spy and she was his liaison to the order. She just nodded. "I never dreamed that you would fall for me. Why would you? I was a mess then, still am according to Pansy. My father sabotaged me with a blood curse as he died, as I killed him. Whomever I loved I would end up killing. So I had to cut off my ties with everyone especially you. Pansy says you have never forgotten that day, tell me that's true. Please tell me you have moved on."

"I can't."

"Oh merlin, I am an absolute arse." His words were barely above a whisper. "I don't even remember what I said, I just remember watching the light fade from your eyes. I broke my curse some time ago but when I came back, you had become so successful and were dating Flint at the time. You looked happy, so I thought you had moved on, so I left to travel again."

"You always were a coward. You should have come and spoken to me, at the very least apologized."

"I didn't want to hurt you anymore than I had. I'm so sorry Hermione. Tell me how do we move forward from this?"

"Well I, I'm not sure."

"Tell me what you're thinking please?"  
"I don't know how to trust you anymore." At those words he sank to his knees in front of her.

"I'll go first then. I'm sorry for what I said, I can see now that while I didn't physically kill you, I may have killed you mentally. And that's the last thing that I wanted. All I've wanted is for you to be happy because I love you. Merlin I still love you so much. I've spent the last ten years apart from you but that hasn't changed my feelings. Oh Merlin, I sound like an absolute nutter."

"If you're a nutter then so am I. I tried to date, I tried to forget but you have always been stuck in my mind. You should have talked to me, I would have helped you."

"I didn't want to burden you, and I had nothing to offer you in return."

"You arse. I just wanted you. If I had you, that would be the only thing I'd ever need."

"Really?" He asked.

"Yes. Nothing can compare to you. I love you. I loved you."

"Oh." He said in a sad tone at her use of the past tense.

"But if you're going to stick around, I'd like the chance to fall in love with you all over again. We don't know each other anymore, but I'd like to."

"You do realize that we're probably going to fight, and get on each others nerves right?"

"Yeah." She said smiling.

"It'll be a wild ride." He said grinning.

 **A/N: It's been a while since I posted, but my muse called to me. This fic is roughly based off "If I Had You" by Adam Lambert. I listened to the song on repeat for 5 or 6 hours while writing this. Oh the life of a writer. I hope someone out there appreciates this. Reviews are always welcome.**


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